CATS

Cats is a musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber, based on a book of poems origina-- wait what are we talking about? Cats? Seriously? The animal? Who the hell comes up with these ideas?

CATS, LIKE, THE ANIMAL

Cats are one of the most commonly kept pets in the world, and are often well known for being as cute as all fuck, and the main medium of communication on the internet. They are smart and adorable and furry, but I suspect them of harboring some dark ulterior motives.

THE GOOD

Cats often come with large, white, all-capitals statements or questions attached to them, commonly referencing cheezburgers. These "captions" have been adopted by the World Wide Web Consortium as the main carrier system for all messaging protocols that currently power the Internet. The proliferation and ubiquity of cat pictures with captions has far outpaced such old concepts as TCP/IP and HTTP, rendering cats the most widely used web technology in the world today. The adoption of the CHZBRGR protocol has had a number of outspoken opponents, especially in the computer science world, all of which 4chan has quickly hunted down and framed for possession of child pornography, leaving CHZBRGR the unchallenged standard of the web. In layman's terms, all the data passed from one web server or client to another is first encoded, then attached to one of the aforementioned "captions." The cat then adorably gets up and walks away to find the destination and deliver the message, where it is decoded, and the cat is scratched behind the ears. This has been an exceptional challenge for NASA scientists to determine ways in which to communicate between orbiting sattelites and astronauts while preventing the cats from dying horrible deaths before relaying their messages.

Cats are relatively smart creatures, especially compared to their canine counterparts in the domesticated pet world. Where your average dog has no idea what kind of demonry/wizardy it is that gets food to appear in his bowl, your average cat will probably find a way to break into where you keep it and feed himself whenever he so pleases. They also continue to regularly outsmart us in an impressive display of getting what they want. Or maybe that's just me. But seriously LOOK HOW CUTE HE IS AWW I'LL JUST GIVE HIM THE CHEESEBURGER HE WANTS SO MUCH AWWWWWW

Well, they're usually smart.

THE BAD

These little fuckers are covered in fur. It's like hair but softer and less gross/awkward when you refer to it as "soft" and "comfortable". Fur causes a number of problems, like getting all the hell over your stuff and making you look like you have your own fur, getting in your food and making it taste like it has its own fur, and generally floating around nearly invisibly, waiting to strike its victims. I'll save you the guessing at what exactly my problem is and just come right out and say it: I'm allergic to cats. When I was younger, being around them for any extended period of time would cause my face to break out in hives, equal in both appearance and itchiness of a stripper's vagina, but with less lost wedding rings inside it. Lately my body has seemingly adapted to my typical response of pounding a bottle of Benadryl, and started naturally producing its own. I skip the allergic reaction part and go straight to ready to pass out on the floor. While I can't blame them for the fact that my personal biology doesn't agree with their existence, I can blame them for being small, portable, and relentless fur generators. And that's close enough for me.

As previously mentioned, cats are all kinds of intelligent, but also comes with a downside. They know too much. the only reason they tolerate our insistence that we are in fact their masters and owners and not the other way around is because of their lack of thumbs and a serious case of laziness. If for some reason we decided to stop feeding them and giving them warm laptops to sleep on, we would very likely find ourselves in the middle of a destructive reacquisition of power that will surely end in the demise of the human race as a whole.

CONCLUSION

I'm going to go play with my dog who doesn't make me sick or plot my unfortunate yet accidental demise behind my back, so suck on that, internet.

Cats get three dead mice on your doorstep out of one meme that will literally outlive the entire Internet.

We here at DrunkReviews have carefully analyzed the arguments and available information on this subject, and come to a deeply well-informed opinion. Not to put too fine a point on it, but

SOPA CAN GO FUCK ITSELF.

AND THE PIPA IT RODE IN ON.

You'll notice that the rest of the site is "blacked out." If SOPA passes, it won't just be a clever redirect to a petition site, and it won't just be for a single day. It'll be impossible for sites like ours to even exist anymore.

No, seriously. Click here to learn more and do something about it.

The Good
The fly is expansive, allowing ample and convenient junk access at the urinal. For those of us with large and in charge dangly parts, this solves a common problem of the men's room. For those, like Cwayne, who are working with subpar equipment, it would provide a more comfortable experience when searching down there for the elusive and tiny penis they are rumored to possibly have. All in all, a larger zipper makes for an easier time in accessing one's apparatus.

The primary advantage that they have over pants is that they aren’t pants. And when it’s between 80 and 768,000 degrees outside, pants are the last thing I’m going to be interested in. My delicate leg hairs require a certain amount of freedom, or they begin to revolt and destroy me from the legs up. They will accept the confines of pants in the winter, but only for so long as the pants don’t encase them in boiling death.

I carry around a lot of shit. Not, like, actual shit. That would be weird. Mostly I carry around keys and phone and first aid kit and weapons and emergency waffle iron. You know, essentials. On average, these things take up a large amount of space, and ever since those mean guys on the bus made fun of my fabulous messenger bag, I’ve had to make do with whatever built-in options my clothing offers. In the winter, my coat provides a labyrinth of hidden pockets within pockets, in which I can store all manner of goods and materials, but in summer, coats make you look like you’re trying to hide the fact that you’re masturbating in public. And, since I’m not always doing that, I need a warm-weather alternative. These shorts provide more than sufficient space to hold even the least portable of zombie dismemberment devices, while remaining relatively wearable, and unlikely to become a major hindrance when running for dear life from flesh-devouring creatures. Or trying to make it to the bus before it leaves. Either way.

They’re shorts colored. What more do you want? Wait, what? Shorts come in different colors?! Now you’re just fucking with me, aren’t you.

The Bad
I know they’re called “shorts” but it’s supposed to be a relative term, and relative to pants, pretty much any length is short. These shorts, however, sometimes like to take matters into their own hands and become the missing link between comfortably long and awkwardly short. Take sitting on the bus, for example. There is rarely enough leg room for someone like me, and that causes them to occasionally bring out the stark whiteness of my thighs for all to see, instantly blinding the driver with their reflection in the sunlight, potentially bringing all us passengers to an untimely, shorts-related death. Shorts that are too short are a serious safety hazard, and this pair often finds itself on the wrong side of safe.

They have stupid retard laces on the inside that often get caught in the aforementioned massive junk access terminal, creating an awkward fabric-dick illusion. I don't want to be walking around with a string hanging out of my dick-area. If anything is going to be hanging out of there, it'd be my massive penis, to let all the ladies know where their next orgasms and children will be coming from. The laces serve no practical purpose. Drawstrings? What are we, savages? That's why our lord and savior James Earl Jones gave unto us the button/zipper assembly found at the crotch of most modern clothes.

They aren’t pants. It’s cold when it’s cold.

Conclusion
They’re pretty cool, I guess. If you’re into shorts. If you’re thinking about buying these shorts, well then stop thinking about something so retarded. I don’t even know what brand they are or where they’re sold, and I’m sure as not selling this pair to you, asshole. What would I wear to work? Pants? Well, I see someone hasn't been paying attention.

I give them one half of one single pant.

See Also: Brad’s Review Of My Shorts!

Maybe next time, Meagan will think twice about toying with another's emotions. And now, maybe I can finally learn to move on with my life, and leave this pain behind me.

I give Meagan the Chatbot zero credit cards successfully stolen out of a thousand "A bot? not hardly babe. Are you?"s.

The Ragefaces Emoticons let you use 84 different ragefaces as smileys. Of course, only people who have the plugin installed will see them as emoticons; everyone else will have no idea why you keep IMing them "pickletime." So spread the word, get these out to the masses, and let's get FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Click your chat app to download:

Installing

Pidgin - Instructions

Digsby - Instructions

Adium - open the ragefaces.AdiumEmoticonset, and that's it

Ubuntu, you say? Even easier!

As root, just add our ppa and install the package:

add-apt-repository ppa:cwayne18/rage && apt-get update && apt-get install pidginfuu

Then you can select the Ragefaces theme by going to: Pidgin Edit>Preferences>Theme

Wouldn't it be nice to express your anger on the command line when something doesn't work the way you want? I agree. And that's why we are starting the Global FUCK Counter Initiative. It all started with this Google+ post, and has taken off from there. At the time of this writing, there are 102682 fucks given overall.

Want to join in the fun? We've created our own synchronized mirror (in case the original fails for any reason) as well as easy copypasta if you need a hand in getting the ball rolling. You will of course likely want to run this as root.

echo "curl poordecisions.net/fuck" > /usr/bin/fuck && chmod +x /usr/bin/fuck

And just like that, any time you say "fuck" in your command line, the count will be increased. Hell, even include the thing as an exec for when shit breaks in your apps or websites. DR itself is soon to have an update allowing it to increment the count every time it's upset about something. Let's see just how much us nerds rage in our Terminals.

First of all, rompers. These are just not attractive. I was going to put overalls on the list but really they are just rompers without the built-in shirt so it seemed like a waste of time.

I don’t know if you’re trying to look like you’re pregnant and just shit your pants. But success on both counts.

Ugg boots with mini skirt or short shorts. People should know better than to take lessons from Britney Spears, and yet… Anyway, I’m not sure what these people are thinking: Its winter on my feet but summer everywhere else! Not to mention you’re not even supposed to get the things wet because they discolor. That’s a great quality in a winter boot.

Things with too many ruffles. Because I want to be a cupcake. Wait… people actually like cupcakes.

Monokinis. To pull these weird creations off you have to be really fit. And lets face it, the fit girls aren’t going for these. Then you just end up looking like this guy, and no one wants that…

Jeggings. Skinny jeans aren’t even a good idea. Make them clingy everywhere and you end up with a real trainwreck. Even without a horrific pattern you end up looking like a human sausage. Already grilled and ready to pop.

Hipster glasses. Come on guys, your grandma needs those to see. And hipster anything, really. Stupid skinny jeans, stupid hats, stupid fugly sweaters.

Whatever, I’m so over it.

Another huge disconnect is that people who get botox and plastic surgery think it makes them more attractive. My home town runs a local ad on TV with a song “it’s all about attitude.” Obviously, it is not all about attitude. It’s about how you look! Duh! It just makes no sense.

Then there’s the people with those cars that are rectangular prisms on wheels. They’re just so ugly. Why would you buy one? I like those Kia Soul commercials with the hamsters. They claim “its no toaster on wheels” or something to that effect. I assume they’re referring to the Nissan Cube, but shall we compare?

So in order, there is the Kia Soul, the Nissan Cube, and then the Scion xB just for good measure. And they all look THE SAME. Only thing is, the Soul tries to trick you with its slightly angled windows. At least the other ones don’t try to hide who they really are.

But I digress. Let’s get back to the real issue at hand here, and that’s oral hygiene. NOT LIKE THAT YOU PERVERT. Shall we hop on the logic train? So the leading cause of tooth loss is gingivitis. The leading cause of gingivitis is poor oral hygiene. So not brushing your teeth = they fall out. And people let this happen! That’s just disgusting. Go brush your teeth right now. And floss. Oh who am I kidding you don’t have any floss.