A somber Mayor Thomas "Mumbles" Menino spoke with reporters outside his Hyde Park home this morning, saying he is prepared to end his run as mayor of the city, but possibly joking he may change his pants into a goatskin before he formally announces his decision not to seek reelection at Faneuil Hall this afternoon.
For the holiday season, we here at Drunk Reviews humbly submit a short story to get you in the Christmas spirit by stuffing the shit out of your stocking, whether you want it or not.
Hey. You. Yeah, you, sitting there staring blankly at a glowing rectangle. Go fucking vote. Yes, you heard me. I said vote. It's not that goddamned hard. Get the fuck off Reddit, Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, Stumbleupon, 9gag, 4chan, Pinterest, Google+ (hahahaha, all both of you), or whatever the fuck else you're using as a vacuum to suck the remaining pointless minutes out of your depressing life, and go fucking vote. I don't even care who you vote for. Just do it. Need a good reason? How's this: if you don't vote, you are an asshole. If you vote, you are not an asshole. Don't be an asshole. Be an American. Fucking vote.
It's September again, and for the men, women, and children still toiling in academia, that means the fall semester is starting up. To those of you who are just entering or are now returning to high school, you have my condolences. If it's any consolation, four years is pretty short if you think of it in terms of the lifetime of a star. To those of you heading off to college, congratulations! Please take this opportunity to forget all of your standardized test scores, because no one gives a shit about how you did on the SAT anymore. Also, good luck with your relationship. I know a lot of couples break up when they go away to college, but you two are different; you're gonna make it. I can tell. To those of you finishing your degree or entering graduate school I'll see you either at the bar or face-down in a gutter surrounded by annotated journal articles and empty bottles of hobo wine, and finally, to those of you who've recently completed the book learnin' phase of your life, good luck in the proverbial "real world." The job market's gonna turn around soon, just keep the faith. Absolute worst case scenario, there's always someone out there willing to pay for a mouth to fuck or an anus to hide cocaine in. Or vice versa.
Are you tired? I bet you're tired, aren't you. You know why? Because you didn't sleep enough last night. You know what? Neither did I. But I'm not here bitching about it, unlike some people. Nope, I stayed up late working on this very review, just so you'd have something to read while you're not sleeping. How am I talking about it in the past tense when I'm clearly at the beginning of writing it right now? Go fuck yourself, that's how. I'm fucking tired.
Hey, do you guys remember those old Mac vs PC commercials? You know, the ones where Macs are represented by a hip young trendsetter, and PCs are championed by John Hodgman, inadvertently making them the more appealing of the two options? This review has nothing to do with that. No, today's topic is another famous brand rivalry. Though less prominent than the Mac ads of yore, today's topic is no less incendiary - demanding allegiances that divide families and destroy friendships. I speak of shattered lives, and fallen nations. I speak of a battle that predates living memory, and will outlast any who survive its ravages: I speak of Starbucks and of Dunkin' Donuts.
A brief overview of roller blades as a mode of transportation. As per usual, I'd be lying if I told you we knew the first goddamn thing about this topic. If you feel informed after watching this video, we urge you to seek medical attention; there is most definitely something wrong with your brain-meats.
I would like to preface this by apologizing to 4chan, reddit, and the rest of the internet at large for taking a critical look at cats. I know it's against the oath I took when joining the internets to never question and to solemnly defend the honor of all cats, but sometimes the establishment actually doesn't know what's best.
The Stop Online Piracy Act or SOPA is a proposed law to stop copyright infringement on the Internet. The United States Congress is discussing it, but people and businesses have been protesting it, saying that it is censorship.
I wear shorts when it’s hot out because it’s fucking hot out. What are you, twelve? You’re not my real dad, I don’t have to explain my actions to you. Now read on and understand my long relationship with these shorts, and why we’ve stayed together, even through years of adversity.