Who are you people?
Pope (not the actual one), Scawt (phonetic spelling), and CWayne (pronunciations vary), at your service. Sobriety is neither guaranteed nor particularly likely.
How do I contact you idiots?
If only there were some page describing the various means by which to communicate with us.
What is this?
This is a website.
That’s not what I meant.
I know what you meant, NARC. The Drunk Reviews project is pretty much what it sounds like. We basically soak ourselves in cheap beer and Captain Morgan, decide to review... things, and then produce... something. The details are a little fuzzy.
So... you’re drunk?
I just watched your video. You (look/sound/look like you smell) weird.
We’re aware, thanks for handling this so delicately. Fucker.
I recognize X from Y, where are you guys?
We live and work in and around Boston, MA. No, we don’t want to hear your cover of “Shipping Up To Boston” by The Dropkick Murphys. “Bastards On Parade,” “Barroom Hero,” and “Skinhead On The MBTA” are another matter entirely.
I disagree with your opinion of <thing>. In the following 26,000-word, EXTENSIVELY researched essay, I explain why.
I’m actually totally illiterate, sorry.
Can I be in something/wanna work together?
Sure, email us if you have an idea or are willing to help with something and one or more of us will try to get back to you. Seriously though, we drink. Like, a bunch. Don’t expect us to make this easy on you. Also there’s a decent chance the police will wind up getting involved.
Do you guys do anything else?
We have a couple of dead projects lying around, but as far as original content this is pretty much it for right now. If you’re looking for more booze-driven internets, I suggest our sister site PoorDecisions. We don’t make the stories up, but we do judge them harshly.
Why do you guys have this weird obsession with Christopher Walken?
WHY DON’T YOU-uhh... We can neither confirm nor deny the existence of any such fascination. Also we’re no longer allowed within 500 feet of Mr. Walken, so it’s kind of a moot point.
Who the fuck is “NICKRAAAOOOO” and why does Walken love to yell at him?
The man held a watch in his ass for 15 years. He needs something to fill that void. Don’t stand in the way of true love.
Where can I see a compiled ranking of your review scores for various topics?
Nowhere. That is not a thing.
You gave my favorite movie “2 broken condoms out of a dead goat.” Is that good or bad?
Try reading the rest of it, asshole. If you still don’t know, I still don’t care. Honestly, I don’t really remember watching it, let alone if I liked it or not. Those broken condoms certainly sound unfortunate for that goat though. Whatever circumstances brought them together are surely lamentable.
I came to this site looking for real reviews from a reputable source, what is this shit?
Hahahaha, you’re stupid.
You seem to insult each other on a regular basis, are you actually friends?
You guys should do a review of <thing>.
If you can phrase your next sentence in a VERY interesting or funny way, we might take your advice. Our review selection process is a closely guarded secret, but I can tell you it involves dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets and several boxes of condoms. Thank god for 24-hour grocery stores. Otherwise I would have had some serious explaining to do to Colonel Sanders.
Also, fuck <thing>; <thing> is stupid and awful, just like you.
Do you guys have any merchandise or something I can buy? I’m stricken with the urge to hurl money at you.
No, and we don’t have plans to make any. Maybe eventually if there’s a demand for it we’ll consider making shirts or something. There’d have to be an insane amount of revenue though; our ability to destroy things would pretty much guarantee a fiscal loss on any mass-produced product. (Ask CWayne about the poordecisions shot glasses if you don’t believe me.)
Do you guys have any plans for the zombie apocalypse?
If using you as fodder to keep the zombies at bay while we escape to our underground fortress qualifies as a plan, then I’d respond with a solid: Maybe. You look great by the way; absolutely no reason to keep working out or maintain your cardio.
Can I play <newest copy/paste version of popular video game franchise> co-op with you guys?
See previous answer. Technically yes, but we almost never go anywhere near XBOX live, PSN, or Steam with a “legal to operate heavy machinery” BAC. Due to a recent incident involving 4-player Super Mario co-op, the city of Boston has barred us from any future use of the Nintendo Wii.