Drunk Reviews filed under
A somber Mayor Thomas "Mumbles" Menino spoke with reporters outside his Hyde Park home this morning, saying he is prepared to end his run as mayor of the city, but possibly joking he may change his pants into a goatskin before he formally announces his decision not to seek reelection at Faneuil Hall this afternoon.
It's September again, and for the men, women, and children still toiling in academia, that means the fall semester is starting up. To those of you who are just entering or are now returning to high school, you have my condolences. If it's any consolation, four years is pretty short if you think of it in terms of the lifetime of a star. To those of you heading off to college, congratulations! Please take this opportunity to forget all of your standardized test scores, because no one gives a shit about how you did on the SAT anymore. Also, good luck with your relationship. I know a lot of couples break up when they go away to college, but you two are different; you're gonna make it. I can tell. To those of you finishing your degree or entering graduate school I'll see you either at the bar or face-down in a gutter surrounded by annotated journal articles and empty bottles of hobo wine, and finally, to those of you who've recently completed the book learnin' phase of your life, good luck in the proverbial "real world." The job market's gonna turn around soon, just keep the faith. Absolute worst case scenario, there's always someone out there willing to pay for a mouth to fuck or an anus to hide cocaine in. Or vice versa.
Are you tired? I bet you're tired, aren't you. You know why? Because you didn't sleep enough last night. You know what? Neither did I. But I'm not here bitching about it, unlike some people. Nope, I stayed up late working on this very review, just so you'd have something to read while you're not sleeping. How am I talking about it in the past tense when I'm clearly at the beginning of writing it right now? Go fuck yourself, that's how. I'm fucking tired.
Hey, do you guys remember those old Mac vs PC commercials? You know, the ones where Macs are represented by a hip young trendsetter, and PCs are championed by John Hodgman, inadvertently making them the more appealing of the two options? This review has nothing to do with that. No, today's topic is another famous brand rivalry. Though less prominent than the Mac ads of yore, today's topic is no less incendiary - demanding allegiances that divide families and destroy friendships. I speak of shattered lives, and fallen nations. I speak of a battle that predates living memory, and will outlast any who survive its ravages: I speak of Starbucks and of Dunkin' Donuts.
I would like to preface this by apologizing to 4chan, reddit, and the rest of the internet at large for taking a critical look at cats. I know it's against the oath I took when joining the internets to never question and to solemnly defend the honor of all cats, but sometimes the establishment actually doesn't know what's best.
I wear shorts when it’s hot out because it’s fucking hot out. What are you, twelve? You’re not my real dad, I don’t have to explain my actions to you. Now read on and understand my long relationship with these shorts, and why we’ve stayed together, even through years of adversity.
My newest friend came back today. meganm182005, our favorite chat bot, IMed me once more. A million questions started racing through my mind. Does she remember me? Is she here to apologize? Can I finally make a new friend? How much Mountain Dew would it take to literally give me a heart attack? With a broken heart from our last conversation still weighing heavily in my chest, I decided to reply. But this time, things would be different. This time, I would not open myself up to such pain again.
Why do girls wear these things? WHY?! I understand that everyone has different taste, but some of the shit girls put on is just plain ridiculous. We have compiled a list of the worst offenses we could think of, in the hopes that educating the masses (that's you) will put an end to these disturbing trends, and thereby make the world a better place. Seriously, I'm like 88% sure if these all stopped, so would terrorism and world hunger.
I was brushing my teeth today and noticed that the mouthwash bottle said “Fights unsightly plaque.” This got me thinking:
- Can you even see plaque?
- Isn’t the problem with plaque that it leads to tooth decay?
I received an IM from an unknown source today. Someone outside my Buddy List? Heavens, this could be a new friend! Someone to stay up late at night with, talking about all the details of the day, and finally sharing mys- oh. Nope. Just a porn spambot. This is the full conversation.